D’Arcy Using Downtime To Trace Roots.

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Long lost cousins? D’Arcy is leaving no stone unturned.

Freshly headhunted entertainment host Ray D’Arcy has revealed that, between now and the February 2015 commencement date of his new contract at national broadcaster RTE, he’ll be spending most of the free time available to him researching his genealogy.

“I’ve got two me-months coming down the pipeline and I want to use them wisely”, the former Today FM man said. “It’s not often at this stage in a career presenting TV and radio shows that you can get yourself that sort of headspace.”

The Unforgiven

“Unless you’ve been sacked for something absolutely unforgivable, and word gets round all the stations that nobody’s to even go near you with the proverbial ten foot bargepole”, he joked.

“Of course I’m not going to take myself completely out of the loop. I’ll still do the papers, and catch a few of the morning shows, but with a bit of decent internet coverage I shouldn’t have to be stuck at home all the time.”

D’Arcy went on to explain in some depth how he would be using a large part of the winter period to trace his family’s ancestry.

Once Were Warriors

Gesturing with his index finger and thumb he remarked “I was seriously this close to booking a backpacking holiday around Thailand for eight weeks. This close.”

“But when I think of the tangled fates and destinies of untold generations of warriors and adventurers who lived, loved, fought and died just so that I could be put on this earth thousands of years after their passing… it’s always been something I was curious about.”

“Now I finally have some time to act upon that curiosity.”

Previous casual attempts by him over the years to find out more about the D’Arcy family line have not yielded very much beyond what he had already long since known, he said.

All The President’s Men

“There were definitely three previous generations of D’Arcys in Kildare, but after that the picture goes kind of blurry. I asked my dad about it a couple of times. He has a childhood memory of his grandmother stoically pounding cream with a bat in a pail to make butter, that’s about it.”

“But did you know Arcy is actually a place in France? D’Arcy literally means ‘From Arcy’”, continued D’Arcy.

“Lots of other people owe their surname to the same process. Retired rugby international Mick Galwey would be one example. American secretary of state John Kerry is probably another. Michael D.Higgins, too, I imagine.”

It’s A Wonderful Life

He went on to explain how the name initially spread beyond France in the 11th century with the Norman Conquest of England. But that when Ireland also fell under partial Norman rule late in the 12th century, it wasn’t long before the traditionally Irish surname prefixes of Mac- and O’- were joined by Fitz- and D’-.

“It seems a good method to me – start at the beginning, right? Either way, apparently some of the world’s oldest cave paintings are located just outside Arcy. So I’m thinking the ancient genetic link to my creativity and gift for self-expression must somehow lie there.”

With this in mind, having already made general inquiries, D’Arcy intends to first spend Christmas with his immediate family, then travel to France until late February for research purposes.

Twins

Talks are pencilled in for early March with management at Montrose regarding how best to utilize his broadcasting talents.

“I get goose pimples imagining the scenes that could unfold walking down the main street in Arcy. Like, seeing my spitting image walking out of the boulangerie with a bag of croissants or something! Maybe he’d even be able to tell me something about the gallant knights, comely princesses and resourceful rebel assassins that populate the fascinating shared family history of the D’Arcys.”

Should the trip fail to draw up any useful information about the succession of sexual acts which took place in various locations over previous millenia, and which find their culmination in Ray D’Arcy, the former Den host is philosophical.

“Worst comes to worst, we can probably wring some sort of a show out of the whole thing. That way, I’d have the flights and accomodation covered.”

 

 

An Focal Ar An tSráid

A joint party inquiry into events surrounding the collapse of the Irish banking system started this week. It’s expected to run for a year, with total cost estimates conservatively put at around €6 million. What do you think?

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“Six Million? Sure they could have a house on Shrewsbury Road for that.”

(Kevin Burke, flyer distributor)

sraid“Yeah but what if in the end, the inquiry absolved us of any liability for what private banks blew gambling on the U.S. real estate market? You have to see it as a potential €80 billion return on a €6 million stake. It’s what the pros call a value bet.”

(Christine Linehan, ticket machine emptier)

timmy“Six million seems like far too much to be spending on a joint party. Even a year-long one.”

(Peter Wavin, left, SEO specialist)

Irish Boxing Fan Conflicted About Traveller, Female, Protestant-dominated Golden Age.

Andy_Lee-530x317“Why doesn’t that redheaded guy over there look more ecstatic?”

With freshly crowned middleweight champion Andy Lee adding another Irish world title to those already held by Carl Frampton and Katie Taylor, armchair boxing enthusiast Mark Scully of Gorey, County Wexford, has spoken about his relative happiness that such successes are being enjoyed by his compatriots at the highest level of the sport.

“There’s no doubt we’re in the middle of an outstanding era for boxing in Ireland. As long as you factor in the big wins by Protestants from the North. And Travellers. And girls”, he said.

“Don’t get me wrong, I never want any of them to lose. It’s just I feel sometimes I’m on the outside looking in.”

Belfast man Frampton took the IBF super-bantamweight belt after a hard fought 12 rounds against Spain’s Kiko Martinez in September. Then just last month, Bray’s Taylor successfully defended her world amateur title for a record fourth time. To round out a big year, the unfancied Lee pulled out a win via sixth round stoppage in Las Vegas at the weekend against pre-fight favourite, Matvey Korobov.

Doorstep Bible Thumpers

“I had been tempted to get tickets for Belfast. Carl is such an amazing talent”, admitted Scully.

“But you’d never know who you might find yourself sitting beside up there.”

Frampton had a stellar amateur career before turning professional, winning Irish Senior titles at two weights, and taking silver for Ireland at the European Championships in 2007.

“Like, Nordie is one thing, but not even Catholic? Although I suppose I genuinely am happy for him, and in a way I’m trying to be happy about it for myself as well”, Scully said.

“And what can you say about Katie? Five-time world champ. Olympic Gold. No getting away from it, she’s some girl.

“As in, not a man. Some kind of a Christian, too, I heard.”

Boston. Strong. Boy.

Unsure as to where he would place the recent accomplishments of the trio on an all-time Irish boxing greats list, Scully was quick to point out that while heavyweight legend John L. Sullivan was born in Massachusetts, his father hailed from Kerry and his mother from Westmeath.

“I mean, I’ll probably be heading to Limerick anyway with a Tricolour for Andy’s civic reception, you know? We can all be so proud of what he achieved in Vegas on Saturday. At least I think we can, can’t we?

“Can we?”

Jilted Generation

With boxing traditionally seen as the island’s most inclusive area of sporting endeavour, as well as being coincidentally its most successful on the world stage, Scully conceded that his seeming ambivalence towards these recent victories was possibly the result of a subconscious reluctance to move with the times.

“Maybe I’m still just stuck in the ’90s. Collins, say, now there was a fella everybody could get behind regardless of their living arrangements, religion or gender, right? The Celtic Warrior. With the wolfhounds and tweed suits, and shamrocks shaved into the side of his head. He was perfect.”

“Perfect”, said Scully quietly.

“But Carl, Katie and Andy are definitely okay too”, he affirmed.

 

Silly Arse To Open Breakfast Cereal Café On South William Street.

imageCeltic Phoenix? Harbo says the nightmare’s over and he’s ready to sell cornflakes.

Renowned Dublin Web 2.0 mover-and-shaker, Niall Harbison, has revealed plans to open Lovin Flake, the capital’s first Breakfast Cereal Café.

“It’s going to be totally fucking savage. Whopper. Game changer”, enthused the 34 year old.

“I suppose I’ve always been super passionate about this fantastic little city, and right now I’m super passionate about obscure brands of breakfast cereal. But then who isn’t? If you’re not, then you’re a fucking loser in my book, and you should be ashamed of yourself. Standing on the sidelines criticizing the pro-active, positive thinkers who are pulling us out of this recession. Fucking keyboard warrior.”

Car Crash

To give the venture his full attention, Harbison will be stepping back from his role as CEO at Lovin Dublin, the Dublin-based foodie culture website he started by accident in 2013.

Whether the process of making mashed potato is being explained (step-by-step, with pictures) to Irish people by a contributor, or Harbison himself is listing the symptoms of a hangover, Lovin Dublin, remains, he argues, “a whopper relevant online resource. Well, at least for the kind of person who would actually sign up to our new-post-alert mailing list.”

It’s this very same tried and tested brand of good humoured, energetic originality that Harbison will be bringing to Lovin Flake, he says.

“I think we can be as great as Melbourne or New York, or even some of the edgier London districts. But if people like me aren’t prepared to belatedly ape already dead overseas trends, then we’re in serious danger of looking like a total fucking backwoods to outsiders.

Artificial Resuscitation

“And yeah, probably you’ll get some anonymous pricks whining on Boards or wherever, but we don’t want fuckheads like them coming in the shop anyway.

“Just get me their IP addresses. We’d see how big they are then.”

Harbison’s forceful yet confused opinions on subjects as diverse as sandwiches, Dublin 8 and heroin addiction have won him his reputation as a person who will quickly retract a claim if it generates enough negative publicity, but then publicly reaffirm the same claim if given subsequent encouragement. And then retract it again.

“Hey, it’s a fast moving world. I just try to ride the waves”, he reasoned.

They Might Be Tech Giants

“I mean, a couple of years ago if you told potential buyers that 70 Mavens were following your Facebook page and you had the phone number of an NCAD student with two digital camcorders, you could flog the whole thing to them as a package for a couple of million. As long as you kept repeating terms like ‘Tech’ and ‘Metrics’ and ‘UPI’.

“You can’t do that anymore. So now it’s marshmallows on Ricicles. Same principle. And anyway, opening a boutique cornflake restaurant is something I’ve wanted to do since, I don’t know, last weekend?”

Harbison believes the timing is perfect. He feels a ready-made, painstakingly honed clientele of thousands exists for Lovin Flake in the form of his Lovin Dublin ‘community’.

“My site has repeat visitors. We write up lists of pubs that have a fireplace. We tell people they should put frozen grapes in their white wine if the wine isn’t cold enough. I repeat – repeat visitors. Trust me, they’ll be amenable to the idea of breakfast cereal as a lifestyle statement.”

Almond Milk

The former Conrad Gallagher protegé says he is confident he can source enough boxes of South Korean Count Chockula (as well as the attendant 1980’s advertising paraphernalia) to agree terms on a recently wound down Pop-Up beside the Powerscourt Centre by early next year.

“Assuming some Public Sector dinosaur with an axe to grind doesn’t put the kybosh on it.

“You’d fucking think they’d have better things to be doing, wouldn’t you?”, he continued.

“I mean, I love sharing simple recipes with people, and I love cooking for rich people on their yachts. But I also want my own fucking yacht. I hope that with Lovin Flake I’ve finally managed to somehow unite these disparate strands of my personality in one rock-solid, game-changing concept retail experience.

Coconut Water

“I’d say I can probably get four, five Euros for our ‘Fucking Tiny’ bowl of Smurfberry Crunch. Tenner for a large serving – we’ll probably call it ‘The Shitload’. Maybe another two on top if they want milk. But more for almond milk.

“Everyone’s saying almond milk is whopper.”

Harbison went on to point out the striking core similarities between being head chef at Lloyd’s Brasserie, selling a media agency at the height of the madness and importing a supposedly special sort of Coco Pops from Argentina.

“Misplaced inferences of elitism and insincere positivity have always been two compulsories at the Harbo School of Business. I fail to see how these elements will not transfer well into the day-to-day running of Lovin Flake”, he predicted.

Haters Gonna Tweet

“Unless some prat gets a hate campaign going on Twitter. And I’m the one creating jobs here! Paying fucking tax to keep them all in whatever it is they spend their poxy dole on!”

He was also quick to rubbish conjecture that Lovin Flake might be quickly sold on to unassuming investors after a big opening push for a grossly inflated price by the end of summer 2015.

“No no. This one’s definitely a keeper. I like to think it could become a hub for our rising class of Social Media and Branding creatives.

“I might do one on Capel Street too.”