D’Arcy Using Downtime To Trace Roots.


Long lost cousins? D’Arcy is leaving no stone unturned.

Freshly headhunted entertainment host Ray D’Arcy has revealed that, between now and the February 2015 commencement date of his new contract at national broadcaster RTE, he’ll be spending most of the free time available to him researching his genealogy.

“I’ve got two me-months coming down the pipeline and I want to use them wisely”, the former Today FM man said. “It’s not often at this stage in a career presenting TV and radio shows that you can get yourself that sort of headspace.”

The Unforgiven

“Unless you’ve been sacked for something absolutely unforgivable, and word gets round all the stations that nobody’s to even go near you with the proverbial ten foot bargepole”, he joked.

“Of course I’m not going to take myself completely out of the loop. I’ll still do the papers, and catch a few of the morning shows, but with a bit of decent internet coverage I shouldn’t have to be stuck at home all the time.”

D’Arcy went on to explain in some depth how he would be using a large part of the winter period to trace his family’s ancestry.

Once Were Warriors

Gesturing with his index finger and thumb he remarked “I was seriously this close to booking a backpacking holiday around Thailand for eight weeks. This close.”

“But when I think of the tangled fates and destinies of untold generations of warriors and adventurers who lived, loved, fought and died just so that I could be put on this earth thousands of years after their passing… it’s always been something I was curious about.”

“Now I finally have some time to act upon that curiosity.”

Previous casual attempts by him over the years to find out more about the D’Arcy family line have not yielded very much beyond what he had already long since known, he said.

All The President’s Men

“There were definitely three previous generations of D’Arcys in Kildare, but after that the picture goes kind of blurry. I asked my dad about it a couple of times. He has a childhood memory of his grandmother stoically pounding cream with a bat in a pail to make butter, that’s about it.”

“But did you know Arcy is actually a place in France? D’Arcy literally means ‘From Arcy’”, continued D’Arcy.

“Lots of other people owe their surname to the same process. Retired rugby international Mick Galwey would be one example. American secretary of state John Kerry is probably another. Michael D.Higgins, too, I imagine.”

It’s A Wonderful Life

He went on to explain how the name initially spread beyond France in the 11th century with the Norman Conquest of England. But that when Ireland also fell under partial Norman rule late in the 12th century, it wasn’t long before the traditionally Irish surname prefixes of Mac- and O’- were joined by Fitz- and D’-.

“It seems a good method to me – start at the beginning, right? Either way, apparently some of the world’s oldest cave paintings are located just outside Arcy. So I’m thinking the ancient genetic link to my creativity and gift for self-expression must somehow lie there.”

With this in mind, having already made general inquiries, D’Arcy intends to first spend Christmas with his immediate family, then travel to France until late February for research purposes.


Talks are pencilled in for early March with management at Montrose regarding how best to utilize his broadcasting talents.

“I get goose pimples imagining the scenes that could unfold walking down the main street in Arcy. Like, seeing my spitting image walking out of the boulangerie with a bag of croissants or something! Maybe he’d even be able to tell me something about the gallant knights, comely princesses and resourceful rebel assassins that populate the fascinating shared family history of the D’Arcys.”

Should the trip fail to draw up any useful information about the succession of sexual acts which took place in various locations over previous millenia, and which find their culmination in Ray D’Arcy, the former Den host is philosophical.

“Worst comes to worst, we can probably wring some sort of a show out of the whole thing. That way, I’d have the flights and accomodation covered.”



Water Demo Organizer’s Uncommitted Approach To Pronouncing `30´ and `40´ Blamed For Turnout Figure Confusion


Many? Lots of? Definitely several people at yesterday’s Water Charge demonstration.

Difficulty in establishing an accurate figure for the attendance at yesterday’s Anti Water Charges demonstration in Dublin has been blamed partly on the unwillingness of certain protest group spokespeople to physically voice certain numbers, it has been learned.

Chairman of Dublin-based protest group H2-Whoa!, Mark Byrne, admitted after his live interview with local radio station Spin103.8 that the estimate of “at least 20,000 righteously indignant citizens whose voices will not be silenced” he quoted for his interviewer had certainly erred on the conservative side.

“We’d all agree it was definitely more than twenty thousand, that’s for sure”, he said.

Bleedin’ Low-ids

But I just have a hard time listening to myself pronounce ‘thirty’. I mean, I don’t think I pronounce it wrongly, per se, but whenever I say ‘thirty’, it feels to me I get stared at like I’ve two heads. I suppose I just need to settle on one version and then stick with it, no matter who I think is listening.

Depending on the audience it can go anywhere from a classic soft English ‘Th’ with the soft Irish ‘t’ all the way through to a hard ‘th’ followed by the American-sounding ‘urdy’. Ugh. How am I meant to be taken seriously?

I’m hardly going to go down the ‘tourty’ road, am I? Come on.

“Don’t get me started on ‘forty’, either. Fawrdy? Forshy? Fowerthy? No chance I was going there. Thing is, it probably was about forty.”

Foy-iver De Tree Tobler-owins

Byrne explained his nervousness about pronouncing particular numbers was then compounded by the desire to retain his credibility as a person capable of counting.

“Fifty I’d normally have felt relatively safe with, and it wouldn’t even have been a big exaggeration. But yesterday for some reason, right when they asked me to comment on the turnout, all those wrapping paper sellers on Henry Street suddenly flashed in my head and I got worried I’d be alienating a chunk of people by not saying ‘feefty’.

“Don’t ask me why.”

So that gets us to ‘sixty’ which nobody can mess up. Put ten random Irish people in a room and they’ll all say ‘sixty’. But there was no way there were close to sixty thousand people there, right? People would have thought I was nuts.


“Though I wish there had been, it’s just one of those perfect numbers we all agree on. Or how about a simple ‘half a million’. Yes”, he said.

“That would’ve been even better.”

Byrne stated that when he writes up his post about yesterday’s events for the H2-Whoa! blog after work this evening, he’ll probably put the number at around 43,000.

Byrne also outlined plans to emigrate to Spain in 2017, shortly after he turns 29.

Meanwhile, a representative of the Gardaí Síochána this morning put yesterday’s attendance figure at “Bouha couple ha hunderd, now fuck off”.

Supplier Pulls Entire Line Of Rugby Enhancing Drugs From Southside Chain.

‘Roids Jaw can be stashed behind a beard. But beard doesn’t always mean ‘Roids.

The manufacturers of a well known brand of rugby-specific performance enhancing drugs have pulled their entire product palette from the backrooms of a new chain of Sports Nutrition shops in south Dublin today after disagreement with the owners over pricing levels.

A spokesman for athletic chemicals provider Rugged Industries said the firm had sought “personal guarantees” from new arrival to the Irish market, TotesRipt.co.uk, that Rugged’s “Rugger” range of steroids, amphetamines and morphine-based painkillers would not be surreptitiously slipped into plastic bags with a nod and wink below the manufacturer’s notoriously high recommended retail price.

“On the surface, it could look to most people that the chemical structure of our Beta-2 Agonists should almost by definition be identical to that of any other less expensive product also describing itself as a Beta-2 Agonist”, said Gonzaga alumnus and Brand Manager at Rugged, Kyle Farquharson. “This may, or may not, be the case.”

Punching Each Other In The Changing Room

“But rugby players have a strong collective emotional attachment to our products”, he continued.

“We find it wrong that TotesRipt would try to discreetly offer Rugged-brand vials of EPO, HGH and synthetic testosterone well below the semi-official going rates to someone standing there at the cash register in a Leinster jersey with two kilos of whey powder .”

Farquharson claims that most people who choose Rugged place huge store by the fact that they’re not “slumming it with the League of Ireland Juicers”, or the majority of city nightclub doorman who anecdotally part with significantly smaller sums for their legal-to-buy-illegal-to-supply muscle building needs.

High speed, heavyweight collisions.

Representatives of the new chain, which boasts a list of outlets that reads like the DART route from Westland Row to Greystones were quick to respond.

“TotesRipt stands for giving its customers as much – inverted commas – bang for their buck, as is economically feasible”, said the company’s Press Officer, ex-Mary’s boy A.J. Devlin.

“Look at it, if you like, as partly a response to six years of austerity. From schools through to clubs and beyond, nobody’s rugby should have to suffer just because his exorbitant mortgage, or his parents’ one, isn’t leaving enough over to fund a solid programme.

And even further up the tree, who’s to say that fringe internationals mightn’t be happy beneficiaries of the combination of lax IRFU testing procedures and what until now have been ultra competitive rock bottom deals on Rugged Xenoandrogens?”

Berserker Potion

“I mean, we’re the ones who were taking the hit on this, not Rugged. So if remaining an attractive proposition in the current climate meant us whispering to people in our shops about the hypothetical availability of a Buy 3-Pay 2 course of their favourite brand of synthetic hormones, then go ahead and shoot me.

“No pun intended”, he continued.

While regretful at the loss of Rugged products from TotesRipt’s selection of always expertly concealed berserker potions, Devlin did not rule out the possibility of a mutually satisfactory solution to the impasse for both parties in the future.

“Of course, if price dumping manages to bankrupt our rivals elsewhere on the Southside, we certainly wouldn’t be averse down the line to discussing the possibility of a Rugged price hike. Back up to, say, 80 for 10 mills of Human Grade. Or even higher, no problem – we’d be happy to talk.”

“Don’t hate the player, hate the game”, he added.

Lovely Soft Hands

With opinion divided and no spokesman from the sport’s governing body in Ireland available to comment directly on the case today, at least one rugby playing customer was prepared to express a view on the doorstep of TotesRipt’s Booterstown branch.

U.C.D. Thirds lock, Oisín Kennedy, attempted to sum up the quandary.

“Conflicted, for sure. I’m a big Rugged guy, there’s a cachet that you just don’t get with some of this UG  gear. And in one way the prospect of being able to have their stuff for knockdown prices sounds like the answer to all my prayers. But there’s still a voice in the back of my head, you know? I think it’s what they call a Catch 22.”

“But of course”, he went on, “Drico only said last week ‘Son, if I can give you one piece of advice, never look a gift horse in the mouth’, didn’t he?

“All these different voices”, he concluded.


Heroic Charles Ramsey Demands Bouzaglo-Kitchen-Nightmares Media Moratorium.

happy days.Until recently, it was looking like free Big Macs for life, and a fat percentage on big merchandise deals.

Last week’s Internet sensation Charles Ramsey has requested that both journalists and the general public desist from talking or writing about Amy and Samy Bouzaglo, who themselves this week became an Internet sensation following a recent television episode of Gordon Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares.

“Our initial consignment of ‘Dead Giveaway’ T-shirts had just got back from the printers Tuesday, and we were looking to have our first bulk shipments in stores by the weekend”, explained the Cleveland native.

Earlier this May, he entertained millions worldwide with a short interview covering his role in the rescue of Amanda Berry and two other women who had been held captive for ten years by his next-door neighbour.

But as the Bouzaglo Kitchen Nightmares “shitstorm” continues to register non-stop commentary on Facebook, Yelp, Reddit and Twitter, many of these T-shirt orders have suddenly been placed on hold.

amy's bakery place kitchen nightmares“It’s very inconsiderate of you to be so compellingly mad that nobody in the world wants to talk about anything else.”

It’s thought that Monday’s episode is already being combed by designers for its most memorable lines, while (Charles) Ramsey’s humorous kidnap rescue paraphernalia looks in danger of being replaced on store shelves before it can even reach them.

“Our intention had been to run with Dead Giveaway on cups, clothing and school materials until June, then try ‘It’s some more girls up in that house’ for a month or so along with a few meme posters, and to ultimately use that momentum as a bargaining chip for tie-in talks with McDonalds some time late in the summer.”

“Where do we stand now? Outside a warehouse full of merchandise that as long as this Bouzaglo story keeps getting fanned, I couldn’t give away, if you’ll excuse the pun.”

“That’s where”, he continued.

“People really need to forget that Gordon in Arizona ever happened until the comedic fallout from the Cleveland Kidnap Saga gets a chance to run its natural course.”

charles ramsey kitchen nightmaresA tired, visibly chastened Ramsey accepts that the Dead Giveaway ship may have already sailed.

Several international textile wholesalers refused to comment last night when asked if casual cotton tops and canvas tote bags bearing slogans like I HAVE TO DRINK WATER, I AM GOING TO REALLY HURT SOMEBODY IF THEY SEND BACK MY CAKES, YOU DON’T NEED TO QUESTION ME KATY YOU CAN GO HOME RIGHT NOW and I AM THE GANGSTER, NOT YOU  had not already begun rolling off their conveyor belts.

It’s thought that some suppliers are even hopeful that much of their year-round, generic ‘Meeow’ stock will also be taken up by consumers as part of the “Bouzaglo-Nightmares” push.

Elsewhere, media watchdogs have been as critical as (Charles) Ramsey over the unfortunate stacking of viral Internet sensation atop viral Internet sensation, and the lost economic opportunities attaching thereto.

“Of course, while it’s almost impossible to legislate for a Social Media Shitstorm like the one we’ve seen at Amy’s Baking Company this week, I think most people will agree the timing has been unhelpful, and that experts should have seen it coming”, said Gerard Henderson of the Sydney Institute.

He continued, “With the whole Dead Giveaway Kidnap thing only a week old, surely this episode of Kitchen Nightmares could have realistically been pushed back a month?”

kitchen nightmares bouzaglo The Bouzaglos shown modelling their “ABC Shitstorm”, a new, multi-purpose harsh weather jacket available in six sizes.

“On its own, Charles Ramsey and ‘Dead Giveaway’ still theoretically has legs, but not if it has to simultaneously go mano a mano with Amy, Samy, Gordon and a Facebook page that can get 25,000 comments on a two-line post, and then literally millions of replies to those comments. You think about that.”

Ramsey and Ramsay are not related.

Given their press commitments and three sit-downs with Moulinex, Aspirin and Blue Stratos this week, the Bouzaglos are currently closed for business. Amy’s Baking Company re-opens on the 21st of May.