A gridlocked proper crisp truck trying to hit Belfast before lunchtime.
A well intentioned effort at satire in Northern Ireland has gone disastrously wrong and resulted in the actual opening of a restaurant that sells actual crisp sandwiches, it was learned yesterday.
Last December, writers at actual parody news website Ulster Fry devised the, some would say, witty conceit of a Belfast-based crisp sandwich restaurant called ‘Simply Crispy’ in response to the actual opening of a breakfast cereal restaurant in London recently by two brothers, coincidentally also from Belfast.
“It was never our intention to plant Simply Crispy as a sincere suggestion in anyone’s head”, maintained Ulster Fry’s editor Seamus O’Shea. “I suppose even satire must have its limits. But we thought the joke was clear.”
In the wake of Simply Crispy’s actual launch, staff at overstretched hospitals on both sides of the Border are now on high alert, and bracing themselves for a wave of new patients presenting symptoms of sludge in their veins.
President of the Irish Medical Council, Professor Freddie Wood, was quick to voice criticism of the development, while conceding that Belfast did not strictly lie within the boundaries of his official remit.
“What people eat in the privacy of their own homes on this island is one thing. But legitimizing a notoriously cholesterol-rich snack like the crisp sandwich by making it the focal point of a commercial venture is just wrong. I’m actually disgusted.”
“They’re not even using proper crisps”, he continued.
“Poxy Northern Tayto, I heard, and they actually have Smoky Bacon flavour on the menu. I mean, Smoky Bacon? Are they serious or are they having us on? I don’t think I can tell anymore.”
Wood was also scathing in his words about the specific nature of the baked water-flour-salt-yeast mix being utilized by the company to sandwich their seasoned discs of thinly sliced fried potato.
“And if the idea of Smoky Bacon in a crip sambo sickens you as much as it sickens me, you won’t want to know what kind of bread they’re using”, he continued.
“Apparently there isn’t even any decent Batch up there, but last time I looked it was 2015.”
In conclusion, Wood stated that unless something was done do address his complaints, he would be formulating a strongly worded document in his capacities both as head of the I.M.C. and vociferous proponent of Cheese & Onion, and forwarding it to the relevant jurisdiction’s Department of Social Development.
“There are fast cars. There are good roads. There are no excuses”, he said.
GO RAIBH MAITH!