Fine Gael’s Minister for Health, Leo Varadkar, has announced over the weekend that after a bit of a dry spell, his famously good Gaydar seems once more to be fully functional.
“It went away from me for a while, I suppose. But I’m glad I’m in a position to help again. Regardless of political affiliation, everyone usually agrees I have the best Gaydar in Leinster House”, he said.
The TD for Dublin West spoke to journalists about the difficult time he had endured over the past months, unsure in the face of queries from fellow politicians about how to answer them.
“It’s no secret that any Deputy with an inkling about someone generally winds up discreetly asking me what I reckon, and I’ve always been always happy to give my verdict. You know, in the interests of transparency.”
He proceeded to explain how, upon finding himself late last year unable to confidently assert the homo- or heterosexuality of one particular Oireachtas member, he had begun to doubt his instincts.
“It was tough going”, he confessed.
“So then last Thursday evening we’re just having a harmless session in the Dáil Bar. Some of the guys were ribbing me about this wall my Gaydar had seemingly hit. Lucinda was there too, and a few of us were slagging her over the latest Reboot Ireland numbers. All good natured stuff.”
“Anyhow, there was a mob over in the corner and all of a sudden it was like, BOOM! My Gaydar jumped into overdrive, needle way up past a hundred. It was like a black fog literally lifting in front of my eyes.”
“Two definites”, he continued. “One of them probably with mild Swinging tendencies, but not really Bi-.”
“My first thought was Yowza! The Bitch is back!. Our quiet few wound up turning into a bit of a bender. Wasn’t much got done on Friday. Or Saturday”, he joked.
“No pun intended, by the way”, Varadkar insisted.
The qualified doctor went on to muse for gathered members of the Press upon the nature of his uncanny abilities.
“It’s not like it’s even switched on all the time or anything. I mean, I don’t allow my Gaydar to define me.”
“A really good Gaydar like mine ignores a lot of the conventional indicators and tries to make sense of the random imponderables instead. It’s probably closer to a kind of voodoo than any classical scientific approach. But I’m always right, never wrong”, he claimed.
His Dáil colleagues were also vocal, albeit reservedly, in celebrating Varadkar’s return to form.
One backbencher, speaking on condition of anonymity, welcomed the news that the 36-year-old’s finely tuned antennae for ascertaining sexual preference were still intact after a period marked by indecision, wrong steers and unanswered text messages.
“It’s great to see the Minister’s Gaydar back firing on all cylinders”, they said.
“I suppose it’s like when a striker goes through a drought in front of goal. He starts to question himself, and that negativity spreads to those around him. Everyone in the House was sure that if he could just put that first one in the net, results would follow.”
“But he’s got his Gaydar back now, and Kildare Street’s going to be a better place for it. Let’s make him Taoiseach.”
GO RAIBH MAITH!